I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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