the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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