I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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