I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my being single is dangerous.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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