Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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