ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
