My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
