this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
