I'm going to jail i love you
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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