and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
