After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
