I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
