Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
