matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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