he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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