so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
