i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's shark week go big or go home
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
