WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
