First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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