She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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