i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
