I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
