I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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