Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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