Your mouth is God's brothel.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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