Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
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