i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
