Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
