I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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