You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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