there's paper in my vomit.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
