I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
