there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
