I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
