I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
