i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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