She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
