The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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