someone get that fucking seahorse.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
