were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
