You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
