if you like me you must not know who I am
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
