During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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