I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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