Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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