The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The air taste purple.
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