I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
