You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
