As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
