doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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