woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
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