yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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